Day 1 Cutting off my addiction

 Day 1 2/8/2022

I am a compulsive gambler, I have loss roughly 30K throughout my whole life, I am currently age 31, and still have a little saving for myself, around 20K. I gamble at a very young age, around 16 or 17, because during our family gathering we will always play pokers or blackjacks. That's how I learn about gambling. But the bet size is usually $2 to $4. The real KICK gets in when I started working, I earn quite a decent amount, able to feed myself. At age 30, I was introduce to online casino, and I started to gamble, I start off with 100, slowly it become 1000, then 10000. I do have some up and down, I think that's what keep me going. There was once I loss 15K in a single night, and I told myself that I wanted to earn the money back slowly, I kept playing for months and truly I earn back what's loss and some, roughly 21K. That's the worse thing it could ever happen to me. At this point I would have rather lose the 15K and stop there. Is really not about the money, is about the mental torment I have to go through. 

I was able to stop around May, then started again at July, because my friend show me his winning, from a 40cents bet, he win 4000 dollar. It trigger me again. I started deposit and started playing, I manage to win abit here and there, and lose around 1K, since there I told myself to stop. Then suddenly today I have the urge again, I started out with 5K, lose until left 1K, and made it back to 5K. I withdraw out, and told myself enough. But the devil came to me and said, why stop when you are winning, and truly, I loss the 5K and extra 500 dollars. This month was my bonus month pay out, and I fucking spend it on gambling... FUCK me.. I am currently studying as my workplace send me for upgrade, and I can't even concentrate in class. I am really depressed. How is it that I was able to stop for months and came back to this bloody shit....